#1 An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
"Im sorry," The girl tells him. "We cant allow animals in the cinema."
The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the film.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, dont worry about it...youve seen one, youve seen them all." Madge says, "I KNOW...but this ones eating my POPCORN!!"
#2 Aawww Girl you are so sweet your name should have been "Now & Later". Get a little bit now and get a little bit later.
#3 A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said.
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation."Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
#4 A man dials his home and a strange woman answers. The man says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The man is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the bitch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"
#5 A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway.
"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.
"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."
She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."
The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus." With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
